Is That A Panzer In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

Nice job, German Parole Board. Seriously. I mean, there’s slacking off on the job, and then there’s a level of ineptitude that defies logic and description. This kind of falling asleep at the switch (pardon the pun) wasn’t some assembly line worker in Dusseldorf who forgot to insert a washer into a casing, dooming an unsuspecting hausfrau to a decade of drippy faucets. This was the setting free of the most megalomaniacal mass murderer the world has ever known. Sure, at the time, he hadn’t yet achieved such lofty bestowments, but isn’t it at the core of the parole board’s job description to be able to sniff out those inmates who might pose a threat to others? And by others I mean the population of the entire planet?

Was this “Bring-your-kids-to-work-and-let-them-do-your-job-day”? Was it somehow the result of the lingering endorphins from a long night of playing “Hide Der Sausage?” Or maybe it was just simple German pride and misguided nationalism…the blind hope for a new day and the turning over of a new leaf. I’m betting they were all just sloppy drunk.

License Plate of the Day

A Numbers Game

Failed Marketing Concept #202: “You do the math!”

My latest advertising pet peeve. Commercials that want me to do all the leg work.

No. I will NOT do the math. I hate math. Everyone I know hates math. Even the ones with math degrees!

As a consumer looking to make a purchase, all I want is a quick understanding of a particular product’s benefits. What I DON’T need is a directive to dust off the calculator and grab a piece of scratch paper (and, in my case, ask my 11 year-old for help.) As an advertiser, you should be doing everything you can to make my decision simpler, not mandating that I find the coefficient of pi or the cosine of x2.

Besides, what if I do it wrong? I suck at math. I could forget to carry a two, or miscalculate a remainder. Do I get your product at that price, even if it’s way lower than the actual price? I mean, if you’re hanging on to such a used cliché as “You do the math”, should I not assume that you’re still employing the misguided farce that “The customer is always right”?

No, sir. YOU do the math. I think you'll find that you have one less sale in Q3 than you might have projected.

Got a Light?

Don’t tell me this wasn’t intentional. As much market research that goes into a new product launch, and nobody saw it? Not even a hint of a red flag anywhere in the focus groups or consumer testing? C’mon.

Then what about the basic idea behind the concept itself? Gummi Lighthouses? Of all the directions you can take gummi, where in the hell do lighthouses come from? Bears, worms, hamburgers, sharks … all things that are going to appeal to a kid in a grocery cart. Lighthouses, on the other hand, don’t seem to carry the same weight as an impulse purchase. Not a lot of young, aspiring lighthouse keepers trolling the aisles of my local Piggly Wiggly.

I’m afraid the pervs at Mill Farm are trying to put one over on us. And I, for one, am having none of it. I’m not sure what their sick, twisted endgame is here, but I don’t intend on finding out. No sir. They can take their precious little Gummi Lighthouses and shove them straight up their New and Improved Gummi Hula Hoops, as far as I’m concerned.

Blog Anniversary Haiku

A two year old blog
Is a great accomplishment.
Lord, I'm pathetic.

Thanks to all my readers for making this monumental day everything I ever dreamed it could be.

The Insect Lobby

Women Voters Leaning Toward Obama. Ladybugs Undecided.


Recent polls indicate that, among women voters, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama holds a slim lead over Republican rival John McCain. Experts think this could be because Obama’s platform is more clearly defined as it relates to female issues, but that it might also be because McCain’s just dog ugly, by comparison.

While the ladies seem to be taken in by Obama’s stylish good looks and voting record on Mother’s Day Out legislation, ladybugs, on the other hand, are much less impressed. “I’m still waiting to hear what his stance on pesticides is,” said Mildred Kopekne of Old Man Wilson’s Garden. “And I have yet to hear him say one thing about the problem of these 10 year-old monsters running around with magnifying glasses.”

Many others who are questioning Obama’s ability to address the issues of the common ladybug prefer to remain anonymous, for fear of retribution. “I definitely don’t want that guy on my bad side. If he wanted to, he could squash me like a bug,” said one unnamed ladybug, obviously unaware of her position in nature’s pecking order.

Sweat the Details

Asterisk. The most evil of all punctuation marks. Sure, exclamation point might be more in-your-face, but at least you always know where you stand with him. Of course, it’s easy to love ampersand and her philosophy of inclusion for everybody. And parentheses’ patience in explaining every little thing to even the most dim-witted. Not to mention his more uppity, artsy cousin, bracket. Heck, you even have to admire poor, pitiful, confused question mark, just because it’s too hard not to love him.

But asterisk? No way. His sole purpose is deception. Always trying to pull a fast one. An underhanded loophole that’s to his benefit and your detriment. It’s one big cover-up after another with asterisk. Always, “Hey, I told you so! You just didn’t listen!”

When has asterisk ever been associated with anything good? Never, right? I mean, have you ever seen him look anything like this?



No. Not asterisk. He ain’t playing that game. He’s always up to something. Scheming, plotting, luring you in.

You can’t trust that cat. And you certainly don’t want to let him watch your kids. In fact, you probably don’t want him anywhere near them. Otherwise, you could come home to something like this:



Believe me, asterisk is laughing at you. He is not to be trusted.