Dateline: Orlando. The Tragic Kingdom.

Welcome to The Happiest Place on Earth!

That is to say, the people that run this joint are the happiest people on earth. And what’s not to be happy about? Families flock here from all corners of the globe for the express purpose of emptying their pockets.

But not me. Not this time. I’m not here for the Disney experience. This is strictly a no-frills business trip as evidenced by the something-less-than-five-star accommodations




And the blend-in-with-the-locals mode of transportation.



While not technically “under construction”, the hotel lobby is undergoing some sort of face-lift, preparing for the onslaught of the unforgiving summer hordes. Those columns aren’t artfully glazed, they’re just half-assedly primed for a pending paint job, which may or may not happen in the next 60 days.




So far the highlights of the trip have been a couple of meetings on the back lot of Universal Studios.




And the unprecedented hassling by said lot’s security personnel.




Ordinarily, I’d sleep well tonight knowing that the soundstage for TNA Wrestling is safe from a terrorist attack. Until I’m reminded that there was only about one more smart ass comment between me and a rigorously thorough body cavity search. It's that kind of crap that's going to keep me awake.

Expect Merging Delays

"Just go to the 3rd light, take a right, drive for 40 years and look for the signs. You can't miss it."

Pemberton's Clinic

Rock On

In 1922, Belgian mining engineers unearthed this seven-ton lump of rich uranium ore in Shinkolobwe, located in the Belgian Congo. Shinkolobwe is Congolese for “The Place of the Glowing Three-Wienered Donkeys.”

This particular uranium deposit contained enough fissile material to construct two Hiroshima-strength atomic bombs, but the need for such a weapon was still 23 years away. Tojo was a mere college graduate trying to find himself by backpacking across Europe on daddy’s yen, while Hitler had been discharged from the army for championing the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Why Don’t You Just Grab a Quick ‘Shower’ Instead” initiative.

The Belgian mining engineers who discovered the uranium kept copious notes in their journals about life in the unforgiving Congo. Some were even turned into best-selling novels such as Merry Christmas! It’s Dysentery!, The Cannibal’s Cookbook, and Don’t Eat the Radium.

The lead engineer, Ferdinand Maaseik (pictured above) was one of 12 children and a 5th generation Belgian miner. Sadly, the Maaseik family’s infamous fertility and revered mining heritage ended with Ferdinand after he posed for this photograph. It turns out the hot rock he discovered in the ground led to the hot rocks he would soon discover in his pants, rendering him unable to father any mini-miners of his own.