Dateline: Los Angeles. The stars align.

Around here, celebrities are everpresent. As are the insights into their rather normal lives.


Jimmy Smits, A.K.A. President Matthew Santos, A.K.A. Detective Bobby Simone, A.K.A. Attorney Victor Sifuentes, and for you truly old school types, A.K.A. Drug Lord Julio Gonzales
When it comes to acting, Smits displays an impressive depth and layered complexity that isn’t reflected in his dinner choice of shrimp cocktail and house Chardonnay.


Patrick Stewart, A.K.A. Captain Jean Luc Picard
Ambition: To boldly go where no man has gone before
Reality: To boldly go to a recording studio in the Valley that specializes in voice over casting and recording.


Raven Symone, A.K.A. Raven Baxter, A.K.A. Galleria, A.K.A. Olivia Kendall
The hopes of a nation were once firmly affixed to her shoulders as a dying national icon, “The Cosby Show”, limped its way to oblivion in search of an impossibly-too-cute savior. The appreciation for the effort is evident in her Range Rover, Louis Vuitton bag and Coco Chanel shades.


Tyler Florence, T.V. Personality, The Food Network; Appleby’s New “Signature Dish” Pitchman
The world loves a good cook with a great personality. The Hertz shuttle driver, looking for Gold Member status verification and a non-existent reservation, is much less impressed.

Dateline: Los Angeles. At 32,000 feet, no one can hear you scream.

When coming to the Dream Factory, no matter what your city of origin, be sure to fly Delta where they guarantee not one, not two, but apparently a minimum of six screaming babies per flight. And not just your run-of-the-mill crying kids mind you, but full-on hysterical banshee type stuff. If these sounds were heard coming from the inside of a double-wide, there’d be a DHR S.W.A.T. team lobbing in tear gas grenades and tearing the door off with an H2’s wench. But for some reason, in a 737 wide body somewhere over the New Mexico desert, the accepted behavior is to try to ignore it. Baffling.

So far this trip has been everything I could have hoped for.

Suburban Camo®

Avoid having to take out the trash. Never have to do the dishes again. Mow the lawn? Please. Introducing the Suburban Camo® Concealment System. A revolutionary new product designed to revolutionize the revolution against household chores and other general duties and menial tasks.

With Suburban Camo®, you can instantly blend in with your surroundings, no matter how unnatural those surroundings might be. Shirking the responsibilities of home ownership has never been easier.

Whether it’s the scuffed, shitty blue paneled asbestos divider that needs a new coat of lead-based Robin’s Egg, or the haggard, peeling, now off-white trim that needs some retouching, you’ll never have to rig up another drop cloth using the good Holiday Inn towels normally reserved for company.

So what if the hardwoods need refinishing because of a year's worth of Saturday night cock fights? It won’t be you having to climb in the Chevelle and head down to the Home Depot to rent an electric sander. Donning Suburban Camo®, you can put the onus on the old lady to compromise with a flawed off-brand area rug from Big Lots.

Just because the bedroom is sorely lacking a few essentials like a table, lamp, or even a bed, let’s say, why should you have to get off the sofa to spend your hard-earned money on such extravagance? The Cigarette Ash Grey carpet is plenty soft enough, and when you’re passed out every night anyway, who even notices? Plus, the rigid firmness is good for the lower back.

So next time the wife is busting your chops about getting doors for the cabinets, or the mother-in-law is tag-teaming with some lip about going to the store to simply stock said cabinets, break out the Suburban Camo®. Not only will you not miss a minute of Wrestlemania, but you’ll also save a few bucks better spent on beer, smokes and $5 scratchers.

Made from a durable polymer fiber, Suburban Camo® also resists the staining that might result from startled bystanders spilling their Red Bull and Vodkas, or unaware house pets mistakenly making doodie on you.

Be sure to select your camo pattern when ordering. Choose from Sofa Breakup (shown), Linoleum Blend, Oriental Rug Thatch, Wallpaper Blind, Afghan Cover and Shower Curtain Surprise.

Suburban Camo® is also available in teen sizes. It’s perfect for ducking homework, sleeping in or just skipping school altogether.

Tivo Haiku

Record everything
But make no attempt to watch.
I love you, black box.

Ratings Slump

I'm not sure if this headline is meant to entice people to watch the clip or warn them to look away at all costs.