The Son of a Cobbler

See you in hell, Jimmy.

Suitable for Framing

If I ever get around to it.

Chinese Fire Drill

Welcome to the 21st Century, Xiamen, China!

In a classic example of putting the cart before the horse (in The Year of the freaking PIG, no less), the New Red Menace has relaxed its restrictions regarding automobile ownership without requiring aspiring motorists to pass anything even approaching basic roadsmanship.

Just because you can navigate a rusty bike with no brakes through a rice paddy while balancing a chicken on the handlebars doesn't qualify you to jump into a 2-ton vehicle and bolt for your shift at the Fortune Cookie Factory. You fail to stop while pedaling a '72 Schwinn and you dent a curbside wicker basket. You fail to stop while behind the wheel of a '92 Suburban and the national population drops by six. (Of course, in that same time span, 2,375 people are born, so you're still up 2,369.)

So while enjoying such things as iPods and Xboxes 360, the Chinese are also learning about another Western indulgence: Road Rage. Along with the aroma of Boiled Goat and Sharpei Lo Mein, the air in major metropolitan areas is filled with screams of "Fruck Yoo!" and "Get out of the Buddahdamn Way!"

The members of the Rickshaw Drivers' Local 421 filed a formal protest and were summarily shot in the streets.

Analogies, Part 1

A deeper look at five common items found around the workplace.

The Coffee Maker
The coffee maker is like a prostitute. You really want what it’s putting out, but no matter how good it might look on the outside, you know it needs a really good scrubbing on the inside.

The Fax Machine
The fax machine is like a can of Spam. You know it served a purpose at some point in the past, but you’re not sure why anybody still uses it.

The Computer
The computer is like a newborn baby. It’s filled with unlimited potential and it often makes you stare in awe, but you can’t cut it open to see how it works.

The Refrigerator
The refrigerator is like the zoo. It doesn’t house any domesticated pigs, yet it smells like it does.

The Boss
The boss is like Marmaduke. He’s the alpha male, completely in control of his surroundings, but everybody secretly resents him. Also he eats doo doo.

iPod Haiku

My status symbol.
It holds twenty thousand songs.
I listen to nine.