Blah Blah Blah: August 2007

Crowded Japanese Pool Haiku

Swimmer’s Version:
This is not worth it.
Your package is touching me!
Now I’ve got the clap.

My Version:
It can’t be THAT hot.
There’s not even room to drown.
Just buy a sprinkler.

Greatest. Whiteboard. EVER!

Apparently, meeting and convention facilities have gotten much more astounding of late.

The Mighty Oak

Felled by the Saw Of Regret.

Dateline: Fort Morgan, Alabama. The Cajun Repository.

A Starter Cajun Travel Primer.

Welcome to the Cajun Population, young slapdick. As a newly initiated member of the shitjacked, slurried French/Cracker race, there are a few things of which you should be aware regarding your vacation plans.

1. Any trip outside the algae-filmed muckhole that you call a front yard must be taken to the Alabama Gulf Coast. More specifically, to the Fort Morgan area. Most specifically, as close in proximity to the author of this blog as possible. In other words, right next door to wherever it is he chooses to stay. Call ahead for group rates and block reservations.

2. Any trip must be made with a minimum of 19 children under the age of 10. The number of consenting adults along for the pickup truck ride is irrelevant, although every person over the age of 21 gives you another feasible spur-of-the-moment beer-buying option. A two-bedroom condo will allow more than adequate accommodations for all.

3. Tattoos memorializing a prematurely passed relative/friend/classmate/sibling/neighbor/7-Eleven cashier acquaintance: Mandatory.

4. Loud, affected, stereotypical accent projected poolside boasting about an upcoming night of boiling crabs, cooking shrimp and making gumbo is required. Following through on such bravado, however, is not. Any McDonald’s drive-thru is perfectly acceptable, as well as financially responsible, when faced with the reality of having to feed a litter of diaper-clad crackerknob toddlers.

5. Pierce all the ears of all the young ‘uns, male and female alike, regardless of age.

6. Acquire as many form-fitted, lacquered cowboys hats as possible for your group prior to departure. The balance may be purchased upon arrival. Corona hatbands considered a plus.

7. Smoke. For God’s sake, smoke.

Following these few simple guidelines will help ensure that you experience a vacation that far exceeds all your expectations. As well as ensure that the author of this blog’s expectations will fall far short of even the most simplistic hopes.

Dateline: Fort Morgan, Alabama. The Heat Is On.

Living in the South, you come to expect certain things: Being the butt of jokes fashioned by highbrow types in cultural hotspots such as Hoboken, New Jersey; an unrealistic sense of fresh, new hope with the dawn of each Fall’s college football season; and the heat. Oh God, the freakin’ heat. But where the temperature’s concerned, there’s something amiss on Alabama’s Gulf Coast. Something that goes far beyond just your normal, everyday tropical heat.

See, a week on vacation at the southernmost tip of Alabama looks good enough on paper. I mean, it’s an idyllic setting along some of the most picturesque, unspoiled beaches in the civilized world. And in August, you know it’ll be plenty warm. But what the websites and travel brochures fail to mention to potential visitors is that it’s also located very close to a heretofore undiscovered opening in the Earth’s crust that leads directly to its molten core. There’s no other explanation for the ungodly temperatures this place endures.

A simple trip out to lunch provides all the proof necessary:

Beer not only sweats, but the bottles actually liquefy and eventually fuse to the tables.

The heat rises so violently that it’s literally pulled the shirts from several patrons and pinned them to the ceiling! Shirley Temples are powerless.

Desperately chugging an icy soda while an order of sautéed crab claws becomes an order of fried crab claws right before our very eyes!

People stupid enough to dally outside are prone to spontaneous combustion so extreme that even the little green globules are eradicated from the seats.