Dog Day Afternoon

Where the hell is PETA when you need them? Freeing some caged rabbits from the ravages of being shampooed citrus fresh and dandruff-free? C'mon guys! This is ridiculous! You're going to picket a laboratory that studies how viewing pornography affects rhesus monkeys while allowing THIS sort of outrage to continue unchecked? Where's the empathy? Where's the justice?

A doggie crapper-catcher? Really? How lazy a person do you have to be to outfit your pooch with one of these god-forsaken devices? You can't put a Ziploc baggie in your pocket? A plastic glove is too cumbersome? Yet you'll go to such lengths as to saddle your canine with a device that appears to be more in line with the Spanish Inquisition than a leisurely Sunday stroll in the park?

As if the verbal smackdown and emotional abuse he'll have to endure at the paws of his dog pals weren't bad enough, you're not only going to make him wear this scarlet letter into public, but force him to bear the fecal albatross for the entirety of your "special together time" in the great out-of-doors? Why not just send out invitations to his neutering in the town square; then walk him home, his testicles hanging from the $49.95 Land's End collar?

Look, being a father, I can appreciate the value of a diaper. I mean, you can't put a price on the non-crappified berber carpet or the un-pissulated kitchen floor. But at least in my experience with kids, the sanitary safety devices are modestly concealed beneath a designer onesy or size -3 Oshkosh B'Gosh overalls. (Unless you're talking about Britney's kids or some other unfit white trash mother who feels as though a lone diaper is adequate clothing for the VMA's, rehab admission or mom's hepatitis test.) But you don't duct tape a Tupperware bowl to the kids ass and send him off to school.

I guess if it means one less coiled steam biscuit for me to discover with my unshod foot, I should consider it a worthy cause. But that's just being selfish. Look at that poor, confused, embarrassed, beloved family pet. We might call him man's best friend. But I'd bet the mortgage that he doesn't feel the same way.