July 4, 2008
MEMO TO: You, you inconsiderate jerk
FROM: Your Heart
RE: What the hell, man?
I hope this memo finds you well, but based on the above image of your pending lunch that was just wired to us from The Brain, I have little faith that that is possible. If this is something you are seriously considering as a meal choice, I’m praying that this message gets to you before The Reaper does.
In response to the image -- which has already been forwarded to other offices and departments throughout the body -- several concerned parties have contacted me, not the least of which is The Arteries, who are still trying to recover from the four cheese bacon and sausage omelet with home fries you so thoughtlessly inhaled not three hours ago.
I’ve been looking at the numbers coming in from our Cholesterol Branch and, quite frankly, I’m appalled. It’s apparent they have been woefully neglected for some time now. They need immediate attention if they are going to be able to turn their fiscal year around and meet their goal of not killing you.
Of course, we here at The Heart have just as much reason to be concerned. None of us are interested in working overtime to make up for this extravagance, much less putting in triple time. But that’s exactly what we’ll be faced with, should you choose to ingest that abomination. And believe me, you don’t want us working that hard this close to the dog days of summer. Especially after a month of Double Twinkie Tuesdays.
Now, there is some pending legal action that we all hope will put an end to such nonsense in the future, but we don’t expect any rulings on the matter until sometime in the Spring, which is well past bratwurst season. We’d like to think we can hold on for that long, but you and I both know that if we stay the current course, it’s a pulmonary impossibility.
Which is why action on your part is necessary ASAP. Put down the Krispy Kreme Bacon and Fried Egg Cheeseburger (God, is that even a THING?) and step away from the Mountain Dew. We’re all counting on you to make the decisions that are in the best interest of the company. And by company, we mean your body. And by your body, we mean the place that sustains us all. So come on fatty, give us a freakin’ break. Have some melba toast.
TH
cc: TA
CB
TB
