New Math

Take that, Old Cuyama!

O-Fence-Ive

Now, I know that a lot of the people who frequent this blog aren’t sports fans. And while I have a borderline unhealthy penchant for following sports of all kinds, I try extremely hard to avoid using this space for jock-related grunting and semi-homoerotic ass-slapping praise. In short, vacuous ramblings about trivial issues that aren’t the least bit important to a good part of my readership don’t have a place here. Anderson Cooper gives us enough of that crap on a daily basis as it is.

But there’s one aspect about sports – specifically football – that I can’t remain silent about any more. It’s these ramrods.


Well, not these particular ramrods (though they certainly seem to be worthy of my scorn on oh so many levels of douchebaggedness.) No, I’m talking about the guy(s) in general who come to the game pumping these poster board cutouts over their heads.

For starters, who still thinks this is creative? When I first saw one of these, I thought it was a sort of novel, sort of funny way to get yourself on TV. It was like reading a crappy vanity license plate with no vowels and a number 8 in the middle of it. It took me a second, but I eventually cracked the Code of Hilarity. Seventeen years later and I’m ready to scale a clock tower with a high-powered rifle. Enough already.

Secondly, is there any player on the field who draws inspiration from one of these things? Ninety thousand screaming fans standing behind you in deafening unison? Yes. Virtually naked cheerleaders ready to freely offer themselves to you, the conquering warrior, when you prevail? Yes. Two shirtless Level Twelve Dungeon Masters showing their loyalty by dropping $7.50 at the Hobby Lobby and flushing their remaining pride down the toilet? Negative.

Lastly, why do cameramen continue to pick these clowns out of the crowd for cutaways? Are they that out of touch, or has it reached a stage of irony so acute that only dogs and dolphins can comprehend it?

If fans really wanted to spice things up, they’d get more creative. They’d find a way to have a real impact on not only their team, but the opposition as well. Take this little filly, for example.


Classic message with a unique delivery. Minimal effort with maximum results. Remaining true to your feelings while making momma proud.

See? This baby’s got it all. Thank you DVR, for the ability to pause and rewind live TV. Because of technology like yours, we might one day rid our stadiums of limp noodle sign weenies and replace them with perky chested profanity babes.

Hauling Ass

Britney Spears arrives at the MTV Video Music Awards in sections.

Breaking News

Gee, thanks CNN.com! I know I can always count on you guys to deliver the goods. And by goods, I mean stating the obvious and somehow making it seem as though you're giving us something even my 10 year-old doesn't already know.

And let's not underestimate how valuable Peter M. Todd of the cognitive science program at Indiana University is in all this! Not only did he take on this daunting project, but reaching these conclusions required him to lead a TEAM of researchers!

Is this a classic case of public funds being misused for the sake of publishing at any cost, or are the folks in Indiana just that clueless? Either way, it's a scary proposition.

So what's the bottom line finding of this ground-breaking research effort? It's not the fact that guys like hot chicks better than ugly ones. It's that when a guy says he's looking for for someone who's honest, caring, open and confident, that's not actually the case. Conclusion: Guys lie.

Thanks for alerting the media, Pete.