Scientists Successfully Clone Human

Today Show anchor Katie Couric replaced by self


Katie Couric

Katie Couric Clone

In a stunning development that directly contradicts the age-old edict that reporters should report the news and not create it, NBC’s Today Show has managed to pull off a headline-grabbing, ratings-saving double play: replacing departing co-anchor Katie Couric with herself through the first-ever human cloning project.

Three months ago, the infinitely popular Couric shocked the broadcasting world with her announcement to leave the most successful morning news program in the history of civilized man for the barren wasteland of the CBS Evening News, the stench of Dan Rather’s Old Spice still heavy in the air.

Facing a potential storming of the gates by angry, Swiffer-bearing, pabulum-devouring housewives the world over, NBC executives quickly sprang into action, convening the top authorities in genetics engineering. A few hairs from a hairbrush, a used Kleenex and a chewed piece of Wrigley’s Spearmint later, the world’s first human clone was created—ready to start reading cue cards and dishing witty improvisational banter with the show’s other anchor, that adorable scamp, Matt Lauer.

While certainly a milestone worth making headlines, once the Couric clone took to the airwaves several flaws in the cloning process became evident.

For some reason, the Couric clone appears decidedly older than the original. Experts think this could be the result of the gene known as 473-H, or the “aging” gene, being placed a rung too high along the DNA double helix. Or it could just be an allergic reaction to the heavy pancake makeup used by the irrepressibly coy Lauer.

Also, the clone has shown a definite lack of the perkiness for which the original Couric was so well known. (Editor’s note: perkiness experts at the U.S. Cheerleading Institute in Des Moines, Iowa have concluded that no mere mortal should ever realistically expect to attain the lofty heights on the Perkiness Scale that Couric enjoyed. Anyone attempting to reach those levels would be risking blindness, sterility and even the jimmy leg.) NBC has admitted to being marginally distressed at first, but daily injections of a synthetic perkiness substitute seem to have worked to create at least a temporary forced perkiness while geneticists continue to peer into microscopes, analyze data and debate whether Captain Kirk could kick Captain Pickard’s ass.

For the time being, the clone appears to be holding its own despite the aforementioned shortcomings. It has managed to master the pun-laden segment segues with weatherman Al Roker, it has proven particularly adept at being able to hold a smile for three solid hours and it has been able to sit beside Ann Curry without succumbing to the natural instinct of ripping her head off and tossing it into the Achy Breaky crowd at the Billy Ray Cyrus concert rocking on the plaza.

So for now, the experiment seems to have been a success. Partly because of the scientific breakthroughs prompted by the apocalyptic visions of a Today Show without America’s Head Cheerleader. But mostly because people would rather watch a creepy pseudo Katie Couric-like substance on a bastardized Today Show than an all-too-real Chris Cuomo on Good Morning America. Whoever in the hell that guy is.

Questions Abound

I’m not quite sure what to make of the above photo. And I’m the one who took it. It’s the remnants of a manhandled weekend 20-pack purchased by the wife. She bought it and she opened it, so I’m not clear on the details that led to such a mangling. In looking at it, there are lots of questions that come to mind.

1. Is this blatant false advertising?
Does the box, in reality, not have an “Easy Open Top” as so boldly touted? Is it just a brazen marketing scheme hatched to lure in unsuspecting consumers, such as my little buttercup, only to leave them flabbergasted at the fact that it simply isn’t true, while too embarrassed to file a lawsuit?

2. Is there a design flaw?
Maybe the Cardboard Engineers at the Miller Brewing Company forgot to carry a 2, or mistakenly placed a decimal in the wrong place. Is there something they could have overlooked that would have led to some perforations not being included on the box, or even located along the bottom, inversely situated to where the sales hook directs you to look?

3. Is there substandard assembly, perhaps unique to this particular package?
Was my box constructed in the good old U.S. of A., or was it farmed out to some non-union sweat shop in a third world country? Maybe it was put together with a super-strong adhesive developed from spider monkey saliva that isn’t approved for use here, rendering any attempt to open the carton a futile effort doomed to failure from the outset.

4. Is my sweetums a raging alcoholic?
Surely to God she didn’t need a beer so badly that she was capable of such savagery. For someone to sink so far as to forego an Easy Open Top, choosing instead to forcibly rip open the side panel in the quest for hops and barley…I just can’t imagine that she’s that far gone.

5. Can she read?
Hmmm…with one book after another, she goes through the motions of reading all the time. Could it all be part of an elaborate ruse to hide a deep, dark secret? Come to think of it, she never reads to me. Even when I ask her to. And she’s never proven particularly adept at following road signs or other types of directions and often finds herself lost on the highway. And her handwriting more closely resembles some kind of WWII Nazi code than anything remotely approaching the King’s English, usually leaving even her unable to determine its meaning. Could it be that she was simply unable to decipher simple instructions printed in plain view?

Geebus, I’m not sure what to think now. I seem to have raised more questions than I’ve been able to answer. Frankly, I’ve managed to raise more questions than I care to confront at the moment. Monkey saliva glue touching my precious Miller Lites? Appalling.

Tis the Season

Now that baseball season is quietly limping toward another merciful end, proving that God does in fact exist and that He loves us very much, its time to once again fully embrace the arrival of football season. Like the first Robin of springtime, football serves as a harbinger of a fresh new start. Unless you’re unlucky enough to be taken down by 265 lb. linebacker, your ACL exploding like a piñata at a kid’s birthday party. Then I guess probably not so much. Sucks for you. But what of the rest of us?

What’s not to like about this violent, choreographed ballet? Huge, agile men in sweaty, skin-tight pants rolling around on the ground together, slapping each other on the ass, groping to the…uh…pulling at, um…well, crap. Let’s just move on, shall we?

The point is no matter how homoerotic, football is here. And as we all know, football is king. Sure, the ladies might bitch and moan about how football is “always on” or how they can’t believe you’re watching “another” game. But if Walker Texas Ranger has taught us anything, it’s that nothing worthwhile comes easy. Not achieving flawless roundhouse kicks to the side of a cattle rustler’s head. Not scoring a bartending, Wrangler-wearing, trailer-livin’ bit ‘o honey named Sasha. And not leaping from a Cessna Skyhawk into a convertible that just happens to be inexplicably driving in a straight line down a deserted airport runway. (However, maintaining flawless washboard abs, even at age 57, is easier than ever with the Total Gym XL! Just 20 minutes a day! Plus it fits easily under your bed!)

So make the extra effort. Go the extra mile. Endure the extra whining. Tolerate a few weekends exiled from the bedroom to the sofa. Football season is upon us, and each and every game is worth watching, no matter the cost. If you don’t indulge yourself now, one of these Saturdays you’re going to be pushing a cart through the scented soaps aisle at Bed Bath & Beyond when you realize you’ve let it all slip by. And it’ll take more than a 20% Off All Bedding coupon and the promise of a new stainless steel flip-top bathroom trash can to keep you from rushing over the to the Patios & More! Department and running yourself through with a barbecue skewer.

Sure, the odd Thursday twi-night game featuring Wyoming and Boise State might not look like much on paper now, but when you consider that in three short months that same time slot will feature a heads-up celebrity poker match pitting Jennifer Tilly against Kevin Bacon, all of a sudden the clash on the freakish blue turf seems like a slam dunk ratings bonanza!

Enjoy it now, my friend. No matter what the little lady says, football will not always be on. There won’t always be another game next weekend. Live in the moment. Carpe diem. Gorge yourself on the life-affirming properties that are unique to this fragile, fleeting pursuit. Believe me, you don’t want to eschew this bounty we're being given, only to wake up in a cold sweat one night with the lispy words of Peter Gammons still echoing from your nightmarish slumber: “Pitchers and catchers report tomorrow.”

Sign of the Times

Obviously, the arrow is pointing in the wrong direction.