The Dirtiest Thing I Heard on TV Last Night

"He’s gonna rub off on the other linebackers."

-- Phil Simms, NFL analyst, on the impact Zach Thomas will have in the Dallas Cowboy locker room.

Dateline: Lake Guntersville. Piercing the Night.

Good news for arsonphobes looking for a vacation destination: the fire alarms at the Lake Guntersville State Park are in perfect working condition. Whether it be at 2:00 a.m., 3:30 a.m. or 4:30 a.m., there is no need to worry about sleeping through a fire in the lodge. In fact, there is no need to worry about sleeping through a fire even if you're five miles away. Guaranteed. However, heart patients are advised to seek accommodations elsewhere.

Hit That

The world’s most popular sport. And it’s most elusive quarry.

Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremonies Haiku

I’m in opening!
Look for me in stadium,
I wear green jumpsuit!

Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Cheese

I heard the news baby, all about the cubed cheese
Yeah you may have all the bread baby, but I got something you need
Oh yeah, ain’t talkin’ ‘bout cheese
My Gouda’s rotten to the core
Ain’t talkin’ ‘bout cheese
Just like I told you before
You know you’re semi-sharp cheddar, and on the bun again
Oh yeah you think you’re really better baby, you better find yourself some ham, my man
Ain’t talkin’ ‘bout cheese
My Edam’s rotten to the core
Ain’t talkin’ ‘bout cheese
Just like I told you before, yeah before
I’ve been to the toast, and there I sat and dripped down
You know I lost a lot of fat there baby, I made a mess all over town
Mmmmm, so if you want it got to shred for it baby
Yeah, you got to slice for it baby
Mmmmm, you got to cube for it baby
Hey, you got to dice for it baby
Ain’t talkin’ ‘bout cheese
My Swiss is rotten to the core
Ain’t talkin’ ‘bout cheese
Just like I told you before, before, before

Dateline: Orange Beach. This One Goes To 11.

Handy Dandy Do-It-Yourself Rolling Cooler/Radio Combo.


Step 1: Buy rolling cooler.
Step 2: Buy boat stereo and speakers.
Step 3: Cut holes in cooler.
Step 4: Insert boat stereo and speakers.

NOTE: Do NOT attempt to fill cooler with ice or beverages, as radio generates a level of heat that requires the cooler lid to be open so as not to melt through the thick plastic walls from the inside.

Step 5: Buy second cooler.
Step 6: Fill second cooler with Michelob Ultra low-carb workout beer and ice.
Step 7: Wrestle both unwieldy coolers to poolside.
Step 8: Turn on boat stereo and speakers.
Step 9: Play ”Cha Cha Slide.”
Step 10: Repeat Step 9.
Step 11: Repeat Step 10.
Step 12: Repeat Step 11.
Step 13: Repeat Step 12.
Step 14: Crank it up and share your white-hot music with the world.