Questions Abound

I’m not quite sure what to make of the above photo. And I’m the one who took it. It’s the remnants of a manhandled weekend 20-pack purchased by the wife. She bought it and she opened it, so I’m not clear on the details that led to such a mangling. In looking at it, there are lots of questions that come to mind.

1. Is this blatant false advertising?
Does the box, in reality, not have an “Easy Open Top” as so boldly touted? Is it just a brazen marketing scheme hatched to lure in unsuspecting consumers, such as my little buttercup, only to leave them flabbergasted at the fact that it simply isn’t true, while too embarrassed to file a lawsuit?

2. Is there a design flaw?
Maybe the Cardboard Engineers at the Miller Brewing Company forgot to carry a 2, or mistakenly placed a decimal in the wrong place. Is there something they could have overlooked that would have led to some perforations not being included on the box, or even located along the bottom, inversely situated to where the sales hook directs you to look?

3. Is there substandard assembly, perhaps unique to this particular package?
Was my box constructed in the good old U.S. of A., or was it farmed out to some non-union sweat shop in a third world country? Maybe it was put together with a super-strong adhesive developed from spider monkey saliva that isn’t approved for use here, rendering any attempt to open the carton a futile effort doomed to failure from the outset.

4. Is my sweetums a raging alcoholic?
Surely to God she didn’t need a beer so badly that she was capable of such savagery. For someone to sink so far as to forego an Easy Open Top, choosing instead to forcibly rip open the side panel in the quest for hops and barley…I just can’t imagine that she’s that far gone.

5. Can she read?
Hmmm…with one book after another, she goes through the motions of reading all the time. Could it all be part of an elaborate ruse to hide a deep, dark secret? Come to think of it, she never reads to me. Even when I ask her to. And she’s never proven particularly adept at following road signs or other types of directions and often finds herself lost on the highway. And her handwriting more closely resembles some kind of WWII Nazi code than anything remotely approaching the King’s English, usually leaving even her unable to determine its meaning. Could it be that she was simply unable to decipher simple instructions printed in plain view?

Geebus, I’m not sure what to think now. I seem to have raised more questions than I’ve been able to answer. Frankly, I’ve managed to raise more questions than I care to confront at the moment. Monkey saliva glue touching my precious Miller Lites? Appalling.