Tis the Season

Now that baseball season is quietly limping toward another merciful end, proving that God does in fact exist and that He loves us very much, its time to once again fully embrace the arrival of football season. Like the first Robin of springtime, football serves as a harbinger of a fresh new start. Unless you’re unlucky enough to be taken down by 265 lb. linebacker, your ACL exploding like a piñata at a kid’s birthday party. Then I guess probably not so much. Sucks for you. But what of the rest of us?

What’s not to like about this violent, choreographed ballet? Huge, agile men in sweaty, skin-tight pants rolling around on the ground together, slapping each other on the ass, groping to the…uh…pulling at, um…well, crap. Let’s just move on, shall we?

The point is no matter how homoerotic, football is here. And as we all know, football is king. Sure, the ladies might bitch and moan about how football is “always on” or how they can’t believe you’re watching “another” game. But if Walker Texas Ranger has taught us anything, it’s that nothing worthwhile comes easy. Not achieving flawless roundhouse kicks to the side of a cattle rustler’s head. Not scoring a bartending, Wrangler-wearing, trailer-livin’ bit ‘o honey named Sasha. And not leaping from a Cessna Skyhawk into a convertible that just happens to be inexplicably driving in a straight line down a deserted airport runway. (However, maintaining flawless washboard abs, even at age 57, is easier than ever with the Total Gym XL! Just 20 minutes a day! Plus it fits easily under your bed!)

So make the extra effort. Go the extra mile. Endure the extra whining. Tolerate a few weekends exiled from the bedroom to the sofa. Football season is upon us, and each and every game is worth watching, no matter the cost. If you don’t indulge yourself now, one of these Saturdays you’re going to be pushing a cart through the scented soaps aisle at Bed Bath & Beyond when you realize you’ve let it all slip by. And it’ll take more than a 20% Off All Bedding coupon and the promise of a new stainless steel flip-top bathroom trash can to keep you from rushing over the to the Patios & More! Department and running yourself through with a barbecue skewer.

Sure, the odd Thursday twi-night game featuring Wyoming and Boise State might not look like much on paper now, but when you consider that in three short months that same time slot will feature a heads-up celebrity poker match pitting Jennifer Tilly against Kevin Bacon, all of a sudden the clash on the freakish blue turf seems like a slam dunk ratings bonanza!

Enjoy it now, my friend. No matter what the little lady says, football will not always be on. There won’t always be another game next weekend. Live in the moment. Carpe diem. Gorge yourself on the life-affirming properties that are unique to this fragile, fleeting pursuit. Believe me, you don’t want to eschew this bounty we're being given, only to wake up in a cold sweat one night with the lispy words of Peter Gammons still echoing from your nightmarish slumber: “Pitchers and catchers report tomorrow.”