Dateline: Fort Morgan, Alabama. The Cajun Repository.

A Starter Cajun Travel Primer.

Welcome to the Cajun Population, young slapdick. As a newly initiated member of the shitjacked, slurried French/Cracker race, there are a few things of which you should be aware regarding your vacation plans.

1. Any trip outside the algae-filmed muckhole that you call a front yard must be taken to the Alabama Gulf Coast. More specifically, to the Fort Morgan area. Most specifically, as close in proximity to the author of this blog as possible. In other words, right next door to wherever it is he chooses to stay. Call ahead for group rates and block reservations.

2. Any trip must be made with a minimum of 19 children under the age of 10. The number of consenting adults along for the pickup truck ride is irrelevant, although every person over the age of 21 gives you another feasible spur-of-the-moment beer-buying option. A two-bedroom condo will allow more than adequate accommodations for all.

3. Tattoos memorializing a prematurely passed relative/friend/classmate/sibling/neighbor/7-Eleven cashier acquaintance: Mandatory.

4. Loud, affected, stereotypical accent projected poolside boasting about an upcoming night of boiling crabs, cooking shrimp and making gumbo is required. Following through on such bravado, however, is not. Any McDonald’s drive-thru is perfectly acceptable, as well as financially responsible, when faced with the reality of having to feed a litter of diaper-clad crackerknob toddlers.

5. Pierce all the ears of all the young ‘uns, male and female alike, regardless of age.

6. Acquire as many form-fitted, lacquered cowboys hats as possible for your group prior to departure. The balance may be purchased upon arrival. Corona hatbands considered a plus.

7. Smoke. For God’s sake, smoke.

Following these few simple guidelines will help ensure that you experience a vacation that far exceeds all your expectations. As well as ensure that the author of this blog’s expectations will fall far short of even the most simplistic hopes.