Suburban Camo®

Avoid having to take out the trash. Never have to do the dishes again. Mow the lawn? Please. Introducing the Suburban Camo® Concealment System. A revolutionary new product designed to revolutionize the revolution against household chores and other general duties and menial tasks.

With Suburban Camo®, you can instantly blend in with your surroundings, no matter how unnatural those surroundings might be. Shirking the responsibilities of home ownership has never been easier.

Whether it’s the scuffed, shitty blue paneled asbestos divider that needs a new coat of lead-based Robin’s Egg, or the haggard, peeling, now off-white trim that needs some retouching, you’ll never have to rig up another drop cloth using the good Holiday Inn towels normally reserved for company.

So what if the hardwoods need refinishing because of a year's worth of Saturday night cock fights? It won’t be you having to climb in the Chevelle and head down to the Home Depot to rent an electric sander. Donning Suburban Camo®, you can put the onus on the old lady to compromise with a flawed off-brand area rug from Big Lots.

Just because the bedroom is sorely lacking a few essentials like a table, lamp, or even a bed, let’s say, why should you have to get off the sofa to spend your hard-earned money on such extravagance? The Cigarette Ash Grey carpet is plenty soft enough, and when you’re passed out every night anyway, who even notices? Plus, the rigid firmness is good for the lower back.

So next time the wife is busting your chops about getting doors for the cabinets, or the mother-in-law is tag-teaming with some lip about going to the store to simply stock said cabinets, break out the Suburban Camo®. Not only will you not miss a minute of Wrestlemania, but you’ll also save a few bucks better spent on beer, smokes and $5 scratchers.

Made from a durable polymer fiber, Suburban Camo® also resists the staining that might result from startled bystanders spilling their Red Bull and Vodkas, or unaware house pets mistakenly making doodie on you.

Be sure to select your camo pattern when ordering. Choose from Sofa Breakup (shown), Linoleum Blend, Oriental Rug Thatch, Wallpaper Blind, Afghan Cover and Shower Curtain Surprise.

Suburban Camo® is also available in teen sizes. It’s perfect for ducking homework, sleeping in or just skipping school altogether.