Food For Thought

What does the Food and Drug Administration do?

Are they just a rubber stamp agency content with simply labeling the products that are being offered for public consumption? Is it just a tedious assembly line process manned by mindless drones? Or should they, at some point, be expected to step in and take action?

I always assumed they were looking out for everyone's best interest. Trying to keep us all reasonably safe. Sure, I understand that we¹re supposedly semi-intelligent adults in a free society, and are expected to be able to make the choices that we consider right for us. But when would opting to consume 1,170% of the recommended daily allowance of cholesterol in a single serving of a product that may or may not be found on the food pyramid be in ANYONE's best interest?

Using such logic, the good folks at Armour could introduce these products, as long as they were properly labeled:

Ebola and Eggplant Frozen Dinner Entrée
Ingredients: Eggplant, sodium nitrate, water, flour, flesh-eating virus, red dye #5

Vanilla Ice Cream with Fudgey Chunks and Sparkling Glass Bits
Sugar: 28g; 20% RDA
Fat: 17g; 21% RDA
Carbs: 2g; 1% RDA
Shards of broken glass: 51g; 2,600% RDA
Sodium: 0g; 0% RDA

Great for Grillin' Mad Cow Burgers
Warning: Ingesting this product will cause brain deterioration, cerebral bleeding, convulsions and death. As with any raw meat, make sure that it is thoroughly cooked before serving. Wash hands after handling.

Granny Mae's Flaming Oatmeal
Percent of your daily recommended value:
Vitamin A: 8%
Vitamin C: 4%
Fire: +/- 99%*
Niacin: 8%
Calcium: 65%
*Percent daily value based on average radiant temperature of 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your threshold of personal combustibility.

Shit on a Shingle
Ingredients: Shit, shingles, natural preservatives.
Serving Size: 4 oz. (113g)
Servings Per Container: About 4

Enriched Uranium Pops Cereal
Caution: The Surgeon General has determined that consumption of this product may be hazardous to your health, either through radiation poisoning or by terrorist organizations looking to make a nuclear weapon out of your stomach. Or a dirty bomb out of your colon.

Dirt
Ingredients: dirt.

McRib Sandwich
(Oh wait, this one's actually out there. God help us all...)