Death of an Innocent

Sorry, boy. We're gonna have to put you down.


After years of debate, name-calling and untold numbers of slap-fights, the International Astronomical Union finally decided to downgrade Pluto at its recent conference. As a result, the former planet will henceforth be referred to as a “dwarf planet.”

The ACLU quickly filed a lawsuit on behalf of the Little People of America, Inc.

Pluto no longer meets the newest, stringent criteria laid out by the esteemed group of social cripples as to what constitutes a planet. Of course, as any astronomer worth his NaCl will tell you, Pluto’s oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune’s. Such behavior simply can no longer be tolerated if a heavenly body in the Milky Way expects to remain in the elite company of such proud and noble planets as Uranus.

With the reclassification, the domino effect began immediately. Several other celestial objects, like the creatively named UB313 – recently being considered for promotion into the ranks of planets – have now been downgraded to the prestigious class known as “small solar system bodies.” Making them vulnerable to ridicule and milk money shake downs from the likes of Venus, Mars and even the toady-ish Mercury from here on out.

Ever the optimist, and clearly the party planner for the conference, UB313’s discoverer Michael Brown jumped in to defend his baby's demotion to third string proclaiming, “UB313 is the largest small solar system body. That’s kind of cool.”

Yep. So cool the ladies must be swarming Mikey B like the dark matter mapped by observations of gravitational lensing in background galaxies.

Also feeling the effects of the announcement are Star Trek conventions across the country. Outraged at such a decision, disgruntled misfits are canceling reservations in droves, opting instead to sulk in the relative comfort and protection provided by their parents’ basement rec rooms. On the plus side, video game manufacturers' stocks and online porn site memberships are expected to skyrocket, balancing out the overall revenue stream.