Gut Shot

Lazy Photographers Take Advantage of Lazy Americans

This holiday season, retailers aren’t the only ones looking to cash in. As millions of eager shoppers file into malls looking for the perfect gift for that uncle they only see at Christmas and funerals, scores of national TV news producers and local station managers are poring over hours of stock video footage for their annual “Story about fat people eating too much at the holidays.”

And the people to whom they turn are the Clandestine Fat Midsection Stock Photographers, a group of video professionals who specialize in capturing the ubiquitous belly and ass shots of obese men, women and children. The trick is in strategically obscuring their faces, thus protecting their identities and absolving the user from having to pay talent fees that would just go towards another Mr. Wang’s All-You-Can-Eat Super Deluxe Buffet anyway.

“The holiday season and all of the eating that goes with it is really our bread and butter,” said videographer Chet Hankins, unaware of his terrible pun. “Sitting around in the late summer months waiting for royalties can be tough.”

That’s not to say that these artists don’t experience the fruits of their labor any other time of the year, however. “Swimsuit season is usually a pretty lucrative time, too,” Hankins added. “If you’re hawking an Ab Roller® or Total Gym™, you’re likely going to need some of our footage. Fat people have to be reminded that they’re fat. And we do that beautifully.”

But it’s during the holidays, where gorging has become a tradition all its own, when people like Chet enjoy the biggest payday. As news reporters clamber to be the first to offer up cleverly titled fluff stories like “Tips For Avoiding Holiday Waist” and “Ho-Ho-Hold The Mayo”, the videographers’ checks start rolling in. “It’s always a happy time around my house. My family relies on me to bring home the bacon, and November through January, I really deliver,” said Hankins, unable to speak in anything but food metaphors.

So as long as Americans keep stuffing their faces and providing people like Chet with plenty of video fodder, newsmen everywhere will continue to have the pictures they need to remind us of what overindulgent pigs we all are. A true “win-win-win” this “ho-ho-holiday season.”