Dateline: Seaside. Red Wine Festival 2007. The Year of the Lesbian.

For the second straight year, I made the trek south to Florida's Gulf Coast for an adults-only weekend at the Seaside Red Wine Festival. Last year, I was somewhat overwhelmed by the fact that every time I turned around I didn’t have one of my kids tugging on my leg or yelling in my ear. As a result, I probably missed out on a lot of what the festival has to offer.

This year, I was more prepared to embrace my newfound freedom, rather than be taken aback by it. And I saw the gathering much more for what it truly is: A big lesbian free-for-all.

I’m not here to bash the lesbians. They were all very well behaved and seemed to be enjoying themselves very much. They in no way interfered with my ability to drink beer or pee, which is pretty much all my weekend boiled down to anyway. It’s just that, sociologically speaking, it was fascinating to watch.

Probably because I wasn’t expecting it, and the realization of what was going on was a slow process. It wasn’t like pulling your camper into Burning Man and seeing a couple of dudes on a tandem bike wearing nothing but bare-assed chaps and peacock hats right off the bat. No, this was a much more subtle thing.

A spiked hairdo browsing the oil paintings on the sidewalk. A popped Izod collar tucked beneath a silver-streaked mullet. A pair of long denim shorts and construction boots clomping between the picnic blankets. It took a little time for it to all come together amidst the drunken tomfoolery that was my group of friends. But then it hit me like a ton of LPGA players. And I was intrigued.

What brought them here, of all places? There are plenty of outdoor festivals this time of year. Lots of places that have wine tastings and great food. Seaside doesn’t have a bowling alley. There’s not a softball field within 10 miles. Surely to God Melissa Etheridge was playing somewhere like Branson, Missouri. I couldn’t figure it out.

Actually, I still can’t. But that’s only because I tired of that little exercise about three minutes into it. Life’s too short to figure out the lesbians.