An Interview with a Ventriloquist

Q: First of all, I’ve got one ground rule right off the bat. I’m asking YOU questions, not the doll on your lap. I’d kindly ask that since YOU are the one I’m talking to, that YOU be the one to answer the questions. Fair enough?

A: Uh, sure I guess. But Mr. Corky McSherwood sometimes interrupts. I never know when he might jump in there with a comment or something. Isn’t that right, Mr. Mc…

Q: Whoa! Hold it right there. That’s exactly what I’m talking about. None of that mess. I’m a grown man, here. Please treat me as such.

A: OK. I’ll do what I can.

Q: How did you first get into ventriloquism?

A: Well, as a child, I had a lot of imaginary friends. Mostly to make up for my lack of real friends. I used to talk to them a lot, but they never talked back. Well, at least out loud. They talked to me in my head a lot. Still do, actually.

Q: So you decided to give them a voice?

A: Yeah, and I discovered rather quickly that I had a knack for speaking without making my lips move. Watch. Ith you jes hole your lits atart a lil dit an let your tongue do da work dehind your teeth, es easy to tool your audience into tinking da doice is conning tron sonwhere else.

Q: Amazing. When did you first perform for an audience?

A: I was nine years old. I got honorable mention in my church’s Honorable Mention Talent Show.

Q: Do you think ventriloquism is a dying art?

A: Around here it seems to be. But I tend to look at the positive side of it. That just means there are more birthday parties, VFWs and Bar Mitzvahs for me.

Q: Working so many different events, you must meet some really interesting people. As a ventriloquist, do you date much?

A: As a ventriloquist, no. But as a single guy living in Beaver Falls, well…no.

Q: How do you want to be remembered?

A: As a guy who just wanted to bring a little happiness into the lives of those he came into contact with, regardless of the restraining order.