Holiday Heroes

Santa Claus
Known For: Delivering toys to every good girl and boy on the planet over the course of a single night.

Strengths: Commanding and controlling magical reindeer; Bending/freezing the time-space continuum; Evading detection by hostile radar and surface-to-air missile installations in Eastern Europe, Asia and the Middle East; Sweatshop management; Breaking and entering.

Weaknesses: Cookies; Milk; Cabin fever.



Baby New Year
Known For: Ringing in the New Year with a fresh, new hope.

Strengths: Uniting the entire world with an all-encompassing optimism; Consistently avoiding indecent exposure fines; Being a cute little baby of nursing age on a night filled with drunken hot chicks. (While not technically a “strength”, certainly a “plus”).

Weaknesses: Advanced Progeria



The Easter Bunny
Known For: Bringing toys to children and strategically hiding eggs to mark the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Strengths: Dyes; Backyard topography; Stealth; Superhuman toting strength; Immeasurable hopping speed; Basket arranging.

Weaknesses: Kids with .22 caliber rifles; Cross-town traffic; Foxes.



The Great Pumpkin
Known For: Not bringing toys to the good girls and boys in whatever town it is that Charlie Brown lives; Annually breaking the heart of Linus Van Pelt.

Strengths: Mind control of blanket-carrying wussies; Charisma; Mastery of false hope; Sadism.

Weaknesses: High school punks; Fruit flies; Prolonged exposure to sunlight; Grandmothers with extra large pie pans.


Year-Round Bonus Heroes:



The Sandman
Known For: Putting people to sleep (in the good way, mostly).

Strengths: Covert operations; Neurological manipulation; Worldwide acceptance.

Weaknesses: Ambien; Skittish bed-wetters; motion sensors.



The Tooth Fairy
Known For: Exchanging money for newly lost baby teeth.

Strengths: Global tooth monitoring; Logistics; Connecting with children; Flying; Finances; Tooth disposal.

Weaknesses: Fairy bullies; Cats; High winds.