Porky and the Chocolate Factory

That early morning alarm clock never fails to shock and annoy. But if you’re looking for a reason to drag your ass out of bed at the crack of 7:00, what could be better than the prospect of a little chocolate sweetness? (Insert Halle Berry joke here.)

Sure, you could go the easy route and reach for the Coco Krispies. Or even the weaker chocolate chip muffin. But come on. Everybody knows those two choices aren’t real chocolate. They’re not even real breakfast foods.

But you know what IS real breakfast food? Bacon. Yep. Nothing says "good morning" like greasy swine. So much so that they made not one, but TWO traditional breakfast dishes out of it: bacon and ham.

But how to marry the sumptuous flavor of chocolate with succulent cooked pigs? Fudge sauce on a ham steak? Too messy. Chocolate-infused Canadian bacon? Take off, hoser. No sir. If you want an honest, working man’s chocolate/pig wake-n-bloat, you want Rini’s famous chocolate covered bacon. It’s the one thing … crap, who am I kidding here?

Seriously? Chocolate covered bacon? I mean, usually foods with the potential of killing you where you stand are at least sinfully appetizing. Fried Twinkies, Fried Snickers, Chili-Cheese Jalapeno Fries. But we’re talking about BACON here! Drenched in chocolate! Never before have I ever had any reason to believe that these two polarly opposite tastes and textures should ever be married, ever. The guy who discovered Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups caught lightning in a bottle. But it was the obviousness that made it work so well. Sorry, but the Rini’s guy just swung and missed. Badly. It’s like he was up against a deadline and this was what he came up with at 3:00 a.m. the day of the big presentation.

Let’s hope he was fired. Or at least forced to eat his Frankensteinian abomination every morning for the rest of his drastically-shortened life.