Dateline: New York City. Beggars Can’t Be Choosers. But They Can Be Hotel Guests.

With enough lead-time, planning a trip to New York can be an exciting exercise filled with possibilities. Trying to book a hotel for an unforeseen extra night’s stay with less than 48-hours notice is a nightmarish hassle with godforsaken results.

After contacting more than a dozen potential hotels (and being rejected by each like a tuba player asking a cheerleader to the prom), my buddy Chad and I ended up with one place willing to wedge each of us in – me in the Gitmo Junior and Chad in the Abu Ghraib Deluxe.

Welcome to The Marrakech Hotel.

On paper, or rather online, it looks nice enough. In reality, or rather in person, it’s nothing more than a claustrophobic lean-to, feeling less like a hotel than a cross between a shitty carnival funhouse and a seedy adult bookstore. But when your only other options are “sleeping in the street” or “arriving at the airport 19 hours early,” well …

Their website boasts lots of amenities, but they're a bit misleading. For instance, the below quotes were taken directly from their site. After having survived a night there, I’ve added a more accurate representation of what they actually mean.


1. “Experience the pageantry, color, and welcoming allure of Morocco – in one of Manhattan’s trendiest emerging neighborhoods.”

The pageantry of Morocco must include a parade of cockroaches, some larger than the palm of a young child’s hand. The color is obviously lots of black walls and deep purple carpet. And I never knew the welcoming allure included people shuffling down dank, darkened hallways, refusing to make eye contact.

And who would have guessed that Harlem is one of Manhattan’s trendiest emerging neighborhoods? I must have missed that article in The New Yorker’s “Summer Sizzle” issue.



2. “There are more than 50 restaurants within five blocks of our hotel.”

Obviously, the term “restaurant” is applied to everything from the corner pretzel cart and the chip aisle at the Korean grocery, to the guy squatting in the doorway of the out-of-business EZ Cash willing to trade you a partially eaten hot dog bun for a foot rub.



3. “Adventurous travelers will love this unique choice among NYC Upper West Side hotels.”

Adventurous travelers are those who enjoy risking life and limb with none of the luxury amenities such as bedspreads and security peep holes.

And The Marrakech is certainly a unique choice, as advertised. Mostly in that when you choose to be a registered guest there, you are most definitely unique.



4. “Exciting location.”

West Harlem is nothing if not exciting.



5. “Friendly doormen, stylishly clad in black.”

Looking right at home in a police lineup or at a funeral service.



6. “ATM, providing easy access to cash.”

For quickly replenishing your wallet following the morning mugging.