Pond Tour FAQs

Q: What is a Pond Tour?
A: A Pond Tour is the opportunity to see and/or learn about a muddy, fungus-covered water hole, which may or may not contain some type of creepy, albino fish life.

Q: Where do Pond Tours take place?
A: Usually in the back or side yard of a private residence, or the lower 40 of a dairy farm managed by a one-eyed Milkologist named Cooter.

Q: Who takes Pond Tours?
A: Senile senior citizens attracted by the colorful signage and covered wagon-style mailbox out front, stoned college kids misguidedly looking to score some 'shrooms, and people whose cars have caught fire and just need to use the phone.

Q: Who leads Pond Tours?
A: People who: a) Have access to ponds; b) Are painfully lonely and in desperate need of some type of human interaction; c) Most likely have the local Constable chained up in their basement.

Q: What do you take away from a Pond Tour?
A: Knowledge about all things pond, photographic memories to last a lifetime, a deeper appreciation for the benefits of lithium, dengue hemhorragic fever and malaria.

Q: What do Pond Tours cost?
A: The costs can vary from "Free", to "All Donations are Appreciated", to "The Voices Said for You to Give Me $15. Now."

Q: How can I learn more about Pond Tours?
A: Seriously? You actually want to learn more about Pond Tours? If that's the case, you might be too far gone to realistically expect any meaningful help at this point.

Q: Are there any Pond Tour organizations that I can join?
A: Try the Psych Ward of your State Hospital.

Q: How can I start a Pond Tour?
A: Well now you're just being retarded.