Founding Father's Day

A Gift Giving Guide to a Nation's Daddy

Dear Dad,
Wow, ANOTHER Father's Day? Can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday we were nothing more than a gleam in your eye as you powdered up the old wig and plunged extra deep into the ink well. But here we are, 230 years later and still going strong.

We thought it might be a nice change of pace this year if, instead of us pooling our resources to get you yet another razor strop, we all got you individual gifts from the heart. Each a reminder of who we are and what we represent. (And this year, it's just from the 13 of us. None of the other adopted ones.)

Today is all about you. So sit back and enjoy this Father's Day. Well, as much as a 274 year-old can.

Love,

The 13 Original Colonies.



Dear Dad,
Look, I know you don't play favorites. You love all of us "equally." But come on. It's me. The others may not talk about it, but don't think they don't know.

For Father's Day, I thought I'd invite you home for the weekend. You won't even recognize the place. We can enjoy a trip down memory lane, visiting Mount Vernon, then sharing a Grand Slam Breakfast at the Denny's next door. We can even get t-shirts, 3 for $1, right around the corner.

Love,
Virginia



Father,
I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye. And even though you say you've forgiven me, we both know you're still a little pissed about Ted Kennedy, Ben Affleck and all those insufferably whiny-turned-cocky Red Sox fans.

So this year, instead of "giving" you a gift, I'm going to take something back. You'll never again have to see any movie, comedy sketch or guest appearance by that chowdah head Jimmy Fallon. I've already talked to New Jersey. Consider him dealt with.

You're welcome in advance,
Massachusetts



Yo, G,
It's tough being the black sheep of the family. And I can't help but think that it's not all my fault. After all, it was YOU who decided to make me a penal colony. How the hell is someone supposed to bounce back from that? New York gets the capital and I get the horse thieves. Nice.

Don't think I'm bitter, though. It actually gave me a lot of time to reflect and perfect my whittling skills. But instead of carving you a nice new set of choppers as I've done in the past, I went down to the A.T.L. and got you a platinum diamond grill. The dizzle for your tizzle, G.

Peace out,
Georgia



Dad,
We understand the point of this exercise was to express our individualism, but since you separated us at birth, individualism has been shoved down our throats from the very beginning. Just once we'd like to do something together. As one. The way it was meant to be. So this year, you'll be getting a fruit basket. From the both of us.

Signed,
Carolina



Dear Dad,
It's no secret that you never wanted me. Stuck all the way up here in the ice and snow, you'd have just as soon handed me over to the freakin' Canadians and been done with the whole sordid mess. The thing is, even those hosers didn't want me. Just lobster's not good enough, apparently. But this year it'll have to be enough. Because that's all I've got. That's all I've ever got.

Hope you understand,
Maine



Dad,
I've really enjoyed being the namesake of some unknown relative from the motherland. Even though I've never met him, I'm sure Hampshire is a great guy. But at least he's got his own identity. Since you spent so much time telling me that the tag "new" means things are that much better, I got you a case of New Coke on eBay. Drink up.

Yours truly,
New Hampshire



Dear Father,
Honestly, what were you thinking? Hope you enjoy the maple syrup and lift tickets.

Love you,
Vermont



Yo,
Tickets to "The Producers"? Dinner at Wolfgang Puck's? A round of golf at Winged Foot? Too predictable. I wanted to get you something that is truly me, the welcomer of immigrants from foreign lands. The first stop on the journey to a better life in America. I hope you enjoy the pirated box set of "Seinfeld, Season of the 4th" and the knock-off Rolex hot off the boat from Hong Kong.

New York



Dearest Daddy,
Sure, I've done pretty well. Better than the others, if you ask me. So I got you a framed picture of myself. To remind you of how successful I am. Hopefully you can look upon it and feel as good about yourself as I feel about myself.

Ta-ta,
Connecticut



Look old man, I'm getting you a Springsteen CD. Because I know you still have a problem with all the F-bombs on "The Sopranos" and you never fully accepted Bon Jovi. You never did understand me.

You got a problem with that?
New Jersey



Dear Dad,
Surprise. It's crab cakes.

Sincerely,
Maryland



Hey,
It ain't easy being the runt. The others laugh at me. No one takes me seriously. Insignificant little me. But I'm OK with that.

I wish I could afford to get you something really nice. But I just bought myself a Porsche.

Starved for attention,
Rhode Island