Tora! Tora! Tora!

Yesterday, January 25, 2008 – a date which will live in infamy – my stomach and lower intestines were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the House Chicken, Black Bean Chicken and fried rice Lunch Special of Tokyo Shapiro restaurant in Atlanta’s Colony Square.

I was at peace with that restaurant, and at the solicitation of a colorful sign promising an affordable lunch option, entered the establishment looking forward to a quick and tasty meal.

Indeed, ten minutes after having acquired a table in the food court and begun the process of eating, an undetected bug was working its way from my fork to the lower reaches of my abdomen.

The attack yesterday on my colon caused severe damage to my personal comfort and pride. Very many white blood cells, antibodies and Immunoglobulin have been lost. In addition, many toilets have been torpedoed throughout my house.

Tokyo Shapiro has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout my body, my home and anywhere else I might be inclined to travel in the coming days. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. I have already formed my opinions and well understand the implications to simple, common decency regarding a $4.99 Styrofoam box lunch.

As Commander in Chief of my body and its defenses, I have directed that all measures be taken to end this ongoing battle.

Always will I remember the character of the smiling, unassuming woman behind the counter as she piled my order high upon the plate.

No matter how long it may take me to overcome this premeditated invasion, my autoimmune system in its righteous might will win through to absolute victory, Pepto Bismol willing.

I believe I interpret the will of my family when I assert that I will not only defend my intestines to the uttermost, but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger my innards again.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that my family, our bathrooms and our basic sense of decency are in grave danger.

With confidence in Imodium – with the unbounding determination of Airwick Air Freshener – we will gain the inevitable triumph – so help us Charmin.

I declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by the cafeteria-style Szechuan on Friday, January 25, a state of war has existed between myself and Tokyo Shapiro.


Such unprovoked aggression will not stand.